Patience

Apparently I don't have any and after last night's conversation, I am apt to believe it.

I fucked up last night, I was snarkier then intended and according to Vince, went right to cunt. He sent me to Angie for guidance so I had her read the conversation then Sir read it. I was out of line with my comment. It was bad when Sir read it. He was sitting in his chair and simply said the word, "Here" and I knew what he wanted. I moved from the couch and knelt before him. He spoke softly and calmly, he explained I was disrespectful and it never should have come out of my mouth. He then went on to tell me his was disappointed in me. I hung my head and tried to stay in the moment, I wanted so badly to retreat into myself. I was there, I heard it all.

It does seem the down intervals are shorter in duration. I don't seem to be climbing into my head for as long. I was able to ask the question last night after a couple of hours of conversation. How is it that Sir can help and coach me in a developing relationship with Vince when I am in his collar. I asked if there was jealousy or a feeling of possession. I'm still struggling with the answer, maybe I didn't hear it right. He said that he feels a sense of responsibility and affection for me. He would be a poor Dom if he didn't help me to self examine and grow. He said he understands I wasn't going to be in his collar forever and he wants to make sure the person I go to is worthy of me. I don't know if I will ever understand that... being worthy of me... I see myself as a property, a thing. I would have worth to someone else but trying to see someone else having to be good enough for me? My slave brain says that's hubris and shouldn't think like that.

Both Sir and Vince say he and I need more social interaction time, aka time outside of my apartment. Just time doing errands or watching movies on the couch; non bed time. Vince and I seem to have a handle on that aspect but if we want to build something lasting, we need to actually do things together. I agree with both of them but how? I have to be patient. Things are going to change once Kat is out of the house. I don't want to make trouble for him while she is still there.

Vince asked me why the rush for him to get to know Randy. I told him I needed time to formulate an answer. I think I have one now.

I want Vince to feel the same sense of belonging that I do but I don't even know if that is something he wants. I want Vince to have male friends because I like social interactions but I don't know if that is something he wants. I want Vince to develop a friendship with Randy because I want to be transferred to Vince but I don't want to lose my sisterhood with Angie or the budding closeness I have with Sir. I want Vince to go to coffee with the Men and cookouts and all that for selfish reasons. Because I want what I see in my head. I have to let that go and have more self control and patients. I didn't think that at 45 I would be back at square one.