Checklist

Here is what I am struggling with mentally.. I am trying to forge a bond with Sir that doesn't involve sex, only trust. I have never done that before with someone in the lifestyle. I feel unsure, I don't know where to step. And you know I am not the trusting sort.. sure, I behave like I trust people, I remember to saying I trust everyone but I really don't. I just keep waiting for them to hurt me.

Sex has been a huge part of my past and conditioning. I don't know how to relate to most men without some sort of sexual tension. Personally, not professional of course. Now I am being asked to try some personal growth and learn to trust. Do I think that Sir will betray me? No but I am not willing to take that chance either. So the walls are up. Do I think that Vince will betray me? I want so much to believe he will not but I wait for that day too. It's just easier to keep everyone at arm's length. I trust Vince with my body and my mind but I am still working on my heart. That is one of the reasons I am afraid to really surrender to him. If I go down that rabbit hole again and  am destroyed again, I don't think I will be able to pick up the pieces.

I know that I have a House and a  family and they love me and want me to believe I have self worth. My self esteem shouldn't be tied into my slavery. I -know- this. Sir says I am more then just "slave". Vince held me in his arms and told me I have value as a person and as a woman. I hear it all around me, so why am I so resistant to it?

A lot of this stems from that stupid checklist we did tonight. It caused me to delve into the past and stirred up a lot of dust bunnies. I'll just wait until it all settles down again. Sir asked if I was triggered, I told him I was okay. Not even really sure what triggered means. I wasn't having vivid flashbacks or fits of uncontrollable crying, I did my best to understand what he was asking me and in what context.

I have no real way to end this entry so I am just going to stop.