Personal growth sucks in case you were wondering. You have the moments of self doubt and confusion, struggling to turn the perspective 3 degrees so you can see it differently. When you finally do, there is that moment of epiphany, of clarity when the piece falls into place.
I had those moments the last couple of days. I was working on this whole self worth piece of my action plan. I was looking at myself and questioning why I think about myself the way I do. How did I get to this point? Some of it is conditioning, some of it is hard wiring and some of it is a locked perspective. I have always been a people pleaser, I have always gained validation through the praise of others. I no longer actively seek it out, as I have grown older I have been able to internalize most of it. I will take on special projects or additional tasks for the pride of doing them well, not the outward praise of my leadership or peers.
I write this and know that other people are going to read my inner most thoughts. Part of me wonders what they are going to do with this information. I am exposing the deepest recesses of my psyche to almost strangers. I have known Sir about 9 weeks? I'm not sure if I am ready to let people see my private pain and faults. Sure, sure.. it's all about growth and development but we are talking about seriously personal information. We are talking about letting people see how my mind works. You want to rub your hands all over my body, I can deal. I'm unsure about letting people rub those same hands all over my brain. Bottom line... if I let you in, if I let you see, you can hurt me.
Baby steps. I hear Sir's voice in my head. Some will be baby steps and some will be great strides, we are not expecting change over night. I can talk to Chain. She gets me and is my guide through some of this. I think we compliment each other very well. I can be her strength when she needs and she can take me into her arms and pet me when I am overloaded. I can talk to Sir about somethings but I am not entirely comfortable with showing him my demons. I can talk to Vince about somethings as well. He and I are working on defining our relationship. Things there are in a state of flux.
Kat leaves on Saturday for good. This morning was the last time he and I will have to sneak around. I never wanted to make trouble for him at home. He is fond of telling me his relationship with her was over long before I came into the picture. I think he tries to save me from my own guilt. I do love that man, I love the way he wants to protect my feelings; how he wants to make me happy. It has been a long time since someone actively said they cared about me and their actions showed it. ( I'm talking romantically) With the help of Chain, I think I have gotten to a place where I understand a little better about mainstream BDSM and the value of slaves. Where I come from, you had two choices, you could beg in and you could beg out. Once you begged into your collar, you didn't have a say as to what went on. You could voice your opinion if asked but it may not be counted. Here, it is almost expected for a collared girl to say her mind and a good Dom will listen and take her feelings and perspective into consideration. It isn't just His way all the time.
Some time ago, I made the introduction between Vince and Beth. I thought it was the dumbest thing I ever did. With the help of Chain, I have come to understand that it doesn't mean he is going to fall in love with her or I will be passed over. It means they may become play partners. A limited connection at best. It doesn't mean he is going to take her to collar or I will be replaced. I even learned I could say no, please don't and Vince should take it into consideration, prompting a more in depth conversation to my fears and doubts of him playing with her. I have to remember I can say no and I can still be pleasing. It sounds good, right? Sounds easy, right?
Yeah, working on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment