Holy Fuckballs, Batman!
Can't process. The last 2 weeks have been so blood stressful. I petitioned to join the House. I was accepted. Not only was I accepted but I was made a full member. Thuper! And while that should be considered an honor and it is, don't get me wrong. The level of expectation is nearly crushing. When people deem you worthy of bypassing the usual process, there is a lot of pressure to perform. Then last night, Master Randy (Yeah, I know I's using the wrong words and I have no fucks to give at the moment).. wait.. that is two nights ago now, wants me to come to his house as he wants to talk to me. I get the usual "Hey, you aren't in trouble" but that doesn't quiet my mind. Angie tries to assure me as well but my mind goes into the dark and scary.
I get picked up around 6pm and back to the house we go. I am so getting a car on Monday. (Squirrel!) I'm anxious and dry mouth and all that. Fuck me running, I have only been a member for 15 seconds how could I have fucked up already? Breath, harlot, breath. He has me come and sit by him, Angie in sitting in her chair. Then it all changes in the span of a heartbeat. Master Randy's tone and body language changes and he offers me his collar.
I'm going to let that sit right there for a moment while we all take that in, shall we?
I know he continued to talk to me but I can't recall what he said. I was trying not to throw up. For me, where I come from, a collar means ownership. Not that I would be on equal footing with Angie. That would never happen, she is and will always be his favored (as it should be). I have been a second girl before. I know what it means and everything that comes with it. But as I learned last night, in BDSM collar doesn't mean the level of ownership I am used to. To strip it all away, Master Randy and I would be exclusive play partners. My life would still be my own. There is more to it, I'm sure but I am still trying to process all of this. I tried to ask good questions, how would this impact my life? What sort of time expectations would be required? II think there were others but honestly, I can't remember.
I know I asked when he needed an answer by because I have to decide by Weds of next week. I told him I needed to think about it. This isn't something you just jump into. Collaring is serious business and I need to talk to Playmate as well. I won't make this decision without his input. Part of me wonders if the reason they want me is because I am an exotic. Who wouldn't like to have a Gorean girl on the chain or in the House? I'm a showpiece, a conversation starter. I can be put through my paces with a single word. I have reached a level of obedience and surrender most of these subby princess brats will never reach, let alone comprehend. Now, Master Randy wants to change that. He wants to work with me to become more BDSM mainstream and leave my Gorean roots behind.
Its scary to willing put down everything you know and what made you what you are to embrace a new way of thinking. A lot of it translates for me. The protocol, the expectations but it doesn't feel it has the same weight. I was taught "You will be pleasing!" and now it feels like "You will be pleasing! or not.. that's okay too. Are the ropes to tight? Is that pinching? I want you to be comfortable." Slavery isn't comfortable but I guess I have to remember this isn't slavery, this is submission.
~shakes head~ I'm not sure if I can do this.
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