Hurting

So I guess I am an attention whore. I guess I don't think I have any value unless someone wants to use me.

Think about it.. Evan.. he just wanted to use me, fuck me.. and I let him because he was nice to me. Darkness, he just kept me on the line because I was second choice.. he could string me along and I would take it.. and when he did fuck me, those 2 times.. It was clear he was doing me a favor. Then I get angry when I am discarded like an old cumrag. I'm not special, just a middle aged fat woman with delusions of her heyday.

Now I have this family, they say they care but words are easy. Randy will get tired of me quickly because I don't play. He'll get bored with the struggle and move on. Raid? I pose no challenge, I'm shiny and new but that will wear off. Belle, the more I get to know her, the more I like her and my chain. How I adore my chain but she is wrestling with her own demons. Playmate, how I ache for him but what value do I bring to any of these relationships? None. I'm not overly smart, like Beth. I haven't overcome any major trauma like chain. I haven't risen to the top of my kink life like Raid.

Do I post this? Do I tell Randy there is new entry or will it make me seem like Megan? Do I keep this all inside and just smile? Look like I have it all together? How do I show the cracks and not fall apart? I used to use this blog as a place to get it all out and put light on the dark and scary. Now there are times when I feel like I am going through the motions. I just want to yell out "I'm fine!" until either I really am or until I believe it.

I have done something incredibly stupid. I made the introduction between Ptlaymate and Beth. I can't give him everything, I can't meet all his needs. And it's been forever since Beth had a playmate of any kind. Sure, she pisses me off and drives me from zero to infuriated in record time but she likes impact play and does anal and all sorts of other things I can't/don't. I know that a single girl can't meet all the needs of her Master, that's why he will usually have two from different ends of the spectrum. I'm trying to get okay with this but then the insecurity comes out and I mentally prepare myself for him to tell me I am being replaced. That Beth has more value because she can meet more of his needs.

Maybe I am just overtired.. Maybe I am pms-ing. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion. Or maybe, just maybe I am right? Maybe I have no value, no purpose and have been ruined by Byron for anyone else. Maybe I will just die alone.